Do you need a basket?

One of the reasons I have such a hard time explaining my needs is because it sounds like I'm making stuff up.  Like I can do super complicated things in fact my family rely on my precision and eye for detail to get them help in difficult situations.  But my issue is the small stuff.  The mundane stuff is so complicated for me.

My needs are also not static and I can do something one day and I can struggle with it the next.  Like when i posted about going to Wilko and feeling over whelmed by the NSPCC stand well I went to Wilko today and I felt very relaxed and I was smiling and engaging with everyone.  I went to a few shops and stopped to chat with cashiers in Iceland and in Poundland. So there you go and what was different? Well, I had a long bath before I went out with loads of Epson salts. I have a 5 kg bucket of the salts.  I think these should be on prescription if they have this effect.

It is the Easter holidays and that's always stressful because kids won't want to go out when I do and trying to plan for everyone's needs is hard. Normally it's my needs that get neglected or I have to deal with a melt down if I assert my needs above someone else's.  The melt down will drain me more so I give in.  But today I stood my ground. I knew what was being asked of me last minute was going to be draining and I had not planned for it.  So I said NO. There were tears for a little bit and some stomping but then they saw my point and I promised we could plan this activity another day.

I think I leant the importance of my own boundaries and saying NO.  This has happened in the pat where I have gone along with something i really didn't want to and then found my self shouting later at the kids and having this sense of being over whelmed and that doesn't benefit anyone. It takes me a long time to recover and the kids are left confused as to why i had this sudden change in behaviour.  I suppose it starts brewing under the surface and then when I can't take it anymore it just comes out. Like a volcano.

I've noticed that about myself so i try and check in with myself through the day, how are you feeling? Have you rested? Did you eat?   I try to vocalise my needs before it gets to  melt down.  I will say to the kids I cant do that right now because i feel like there is a lot going on and I need to relax for a little bit.  Can we do that tomorrow?

I really need to learn to vocalise my needs more.  Maybe I can't because as a child my needs were ignored and my mum still ignores my needs although not on purpose.Its just Autism is beyond her understanding.

Today when I was shopping I had picked up a few things and was struggling to carry them in my arms.  A Muslim man saw me struggling and got me a basket.  I was so happy but then i realised the sadness of this kind act was that no one has ever done that for me.  Not the basket but what it stands for.  I'm was struggling and he gave me a basket. He was helping me. He saw i had a need for a basket and he went and got one without even being asked.  I really didn't want to cry because someone got me a basket and at the time i just felt happiness that he thought of me but later I got so emotional about it, what this basket represents in my life.

Everyone sees me as highly competent and i know the autistic community don't like labels and it is exactly because the label high functioning will mean that you are deemed not disabled enough for support. That's so true it's like well you are really good at doing these complicated things so small things like brushing your teeth and organising your day and time should be no problem for you.  Yeah right!